Seeker of Happiness

$12 Tote Bags and Some Happy Thoughts

Fine.

Carrie Lynn14 Comments

I really do know people who, when I knock on their doors at random hours of the day, really do have a clean house. As in, it's clean all the time. Like, c'mon in kind of clean. That baffles me.

I know people who when you ask them how they are doing, they say "fine." Yeah, we all know people like that, but I know people who are sincerely fine. Forever fine. Happy, content, not too upset, not too excited.

Fine.

Isn't that crazy? But, isn't that what people in this world are always searching for? A sense of "fineness?" I know people who have seemed to reach that. They are great, loving people who I respect. However, I feel absolutely insane when I'm around them. And I'm not insane. I consider myself a pretty typical person. A little dramatic and passionate? Sure.

 I've tried being fine. Even had fleeting thoughts about taking medication that would make me fine. That's how crazy I felt being around fine people. But fine is boring.

I don't think I ever want to be fine. I think I want to always be too upset or too excited. I don't think I will ever be able to stop talking about how much pornography bugs me. I don't think I will ever be able to keep my mouth shut when the ending of The Hunger Games comes up. I have given into the fact, that, everyday, I find my daughter to be the most beautiful person I have ever seen and I don't care who knows it. I have resigned to my behavior to ignore piles of laundry and go to the park with her for hours- wishing that the chores would disappear. I will always dream. I will always react hostile to anyone who tells me not to.

I will never be fine. I was not meant to be fine. 

And that is how I will change the world.