It's not uncommon for people to hit an age or time in life when they suddenly realize they have lost themselves. For some, it's mid-life. For others, it's in college, or right after college, or in the middle of high school. If you're like me, it's smack in the trenches of young motherhood. It's when your house (and your clothes) constantly have a faint smell of baby poop and you find Cheerios in the most awkward places. It's when you can't remember listening to a song that wasn't Let It Go. When your new friends ask you what you like to do for fun and you list things you haven't done in over a year. It's when you open your closet and you realize that you can't remember the person who bought all of those clothes.
My big New Years Resolution for 2014 is to be more self compassionate. And part of falling in love with myself is getting to know myself again. I've always been a big cheerleader for people keeping their individuality, and I'm kind of embarrassed of myself. I feel like Scott and I did such a good job when we first got married NOT morphing into one of those weird uni-couples who didn't do anything but watch movies together. Being a mom changed me though. I became so focused on making sure my girls felt loved and honored for their true nature that I didn't honor my own.
Last year, I got a hold of the book The Child Whisperer. It deals with Energy Profiling, suggesting that we each are born with a unique nature that helps us add something to the world. It really resonated with me and I find that life is a lot easier when I honor the nature of those around me (my children and my husband included).
The truth is, I haven't embraced myself in years. In fact, I've been kind of embarrassed by who I am. For some reason, I have felt that my true nature was... well... annoying. I felt annoying. And the more I tried to not annoy people, the more I tried to be like them. And the more I tried to be like other people, the more annoying I became. I was shoving my true nature down as deep as I could in a lame effort to "grow up." And I wasn't happy.
So after I had this experience of facing my nature, I decided I would try to accept it and act on it. Which brought me to the shoe aisle in the middle of Target. My eyes quickly went to the sparkly gold flats on the shelf and my mind immediately screamed: "Of course you like those, you attention whore! They are flashy and goddy! You are too much. Find a nice pair of basic black flats so you can be taken seriously."
I literally took a step back when I realized how much shame I was using on myself when SHOPPING FOR SHOES!
So I picked up the gold shoes, and I decided that I was going to honor myself, and I was going to buy them. Because I like gold. I like sparkles. And that's okay.
I held them, and I dropped a few tears. Right there in Target. Because it was one of the first times in years that I had decided to do something and not care at all what other people would think.
This probably sounds so crazy to you. And that's okay. But those gold shoes were a huge stepping stone for me. I have since looked for chances to honor my true nature and I have found two things: 1. I never regret it and 2. people who I think will care, really don't care. I thought for sure a certain person would make fun of me a little for buying gold shoes but you know what she said: "that sounds like you." Which is hilarious, because I hadn't bought something so flashy in years. But it was true to my nature so it wasn't shocking to anybody.
As it turns out, the author of The Child Whisperer is also the author of a book called Discover Your Type of Beauty. It's all about creating a wardrobe based off the same principles I used to buy my gold shoes (and to later go back and get the silver ones ;). I'm happy to announce that we have partnered up and I am currently taking the Dressing Your Truth online course! I don't think I have many clothes that truly honor my nature, but I am excited to see how I feel about the changes and to share the little journey with all of you!
I look forward to seeing how I change through all of it, or if I will even feel different at all.
Clothes are weird ;)